Elizabeth Penela, Ph.D.
 The beginning of summer brings new activities galore. And new things can often make kids (and even adults!) feel nervous. Anxiety can take the fun out of trying new things as your child starts to worry about what could go wrong, whether they’re doing things perfectly, or whether other kids are doing better than they are. Going into this situation with a plan will help you and your child as they try new things. Here are 5 key, science-backed strategies to help your child cope with anxiety. 1. Notice and Validate Your Child’s Big Feelings It can be tempting to think you can make your child feel less anxious by changing the activity or maybe allowing them to skip it altogether, BUT this is not a helpful long-term solution - because your child learns that they in fact cannot cope with the anxiety or the new situation. Instead, your first job is to notice and validate the big feelings as they come up. By showing up and giving your child the words to describe and affirm what they’re going through, your child sees that you’re not ignoring or dismissing their big feelings. When your child feels that you understand what they’re going through - they feel like you're on the same team. To practice this, pay close attention to what your child says and does, identify the big feelings behind them, In your own words - let them know - you understand those big feelings. Let’s walk through a quick example. When my son, Lucas, first tried roller skating - it was really hard for him! Here are some of the things he said, and how I validated those feelings 😩 "I don't want to do this hard, new thing! I'm bad at this!" 💗 Validating frustration: “Learning new things can feel so frustrating! It’s hard to keep at it when something is hard.” 😰 "What if I fall again and hurt my knee real bad?" 💗 Validating worry about performance: “I get it. You're worried about messing up and getting hurt. That makes sense – sometimes trying new things means there’s a chance we might get hurt.” 😳 "They're going to see me fall and think I'm so dumb." 💗Validating fear of being judged: “I get it. It can be pretty nerve-wracking to think about how other people see you and might even judge you, especially when you’re trying something new.” 😀 "This feels a little easier than the last time we came to the park to practice." 💗 Validating persistence: “You’re practicing and getting the hang of things! I bet that feels pretty good.” 2. Use Encouraging Words to Convey Confidence in Your Anxious Child Once you’ve validated the emotions your child is feeling, let them know you’re confident in their ability to try new things and cope with the big feelings that might come up in the process! Although Lucas felt frustrated with roller skating and did not believe he could do hard things, I knew he was capable of handling this tough situation. Here are some phrases I used to show him I believed in him. I wanted him to know that feeling frustrated or sad is something he can handle – it isn’t bad or dangerous! 🙌 "It’s frustrating working really hard on this challenging, new thing – and you are handling it!” 💪 ”Practicing things that are hard and making mistakes actually helps our brains grow! 👌 ” If everything were easy, that would mean we’re not learning much, which would be pretty boring!" Using this language, helps your child develop something called a growth mindset. This is the idea that our abilities and intelligence develop over time - they're not fixed! Having a growth mindset is key for parents and kids to be able to engage with new things. If your child believes they can get better at difficult things, they’re more likely to embrace challenges, persist in the face of setbacks, and cheer themselves (and others!) on as they improve! 3. Let Your Child Decide How To Take In This Information This might be the hardest part as a parent! Wouldn't it be amazing if after a few encouraging words, our children instantly shifted their mindsets and were filled with perseverance and the desire to take risks? It’s tempting to think that if we just say the right words, we can magically make this happen. But we can’t. You and your child each have a job. We already went over your job: noticing and validating feelings, then conveying confidence with encouraging words. Your child’s job (and I know this is tough!) is to decide what to do with this information. They may totally ignore you. They may choose to use your encouragement in the moment to get them through. They may just file your words away in their brain somewhere – but don’t worry, this is good too! Grown-mindset research shows that the more “files” like this that are stored over time, the more likely they are to be accessed later. When parents understand and accept this division of responsibilities, these new situations your child faces will go much more smoothly. Parents will feel less pressure and frustration, and kids will feel like they have room to experiment and try things at their own pace. Of course, we all want our kids to use this information right away. We want them to know they’re capable and believe us when we tell them they can do hard things! But are you always ready to receive feedback, believe it, and instantly implement it? That’s not usually how it works – for kids or adults! 4. Don't Force Things AND Don’t Enable Avoidance When your child is trying new things – it’s important to strike a balance between:
❌ (Helping them avoid) “Let’s just leave the park and go relax at home” Forcing your child to keep doing the thing that’s frustrating them, will likely increase their frustration. And letting them off the hook as soon as things get difficult, teaches them they can avoid doing difficult things. Instead, model the healthy habit of taking breaks when needed, and finding the next brave step. Taking a healthy break from trying a new activity is different from using things like screen time to take your child’s mind off of things – distraction and resting are not the same! Getting a true break to rest can help your child come back refreshed later. ✅ “Let's try taking a break? ✅ We could take off our skates for a minute and walk in the grass, or hang out on this bench for a bit. ✅ We'll feel refreshed and ready to tackle skating again after a little break. 5. Help Your Child Take Brave StepsWhen your child is feeling unsure about the activity (or full-on decided that it’s too hard/scary/frustrating!) - gently help them identify the next brave step toward doing the new, hard thing. When Lucas felt like he wanted to give up on roller skating, we challenged ourselves to get to the next tree along the sidewalk. We also tried singing short songs to see if we could continue skating for the length of the song! Finding the next brave step in other new situations can look like this: ➡️ Feared activity: Swim lessons with a new swim teacher 👣 Brave steps: Getting in the water with the new swim teacher; playing games with the teacher near the water ➡️ Feared activity: Going on a camp field trip to a new place 👣 Brave steps: Check out the new place ahead of time with parents; look at the website of the new place with parents and talk about the activities – can you try out any of these activities on your own? ➡️ Feared activity: Trying out a kids Lego class at the library 👣 Brave steps: Trying out other classes at the library, trying out the Lego class with a friend, going to the class early and checking out the scene/asking questions about the activity  What if this new activity turns out to just NOT be your child’s thing? That may happen – but they will only know if they try it out. So after giving things an honest try, if it seems appropriate, you can have a discussion at another time about whether to continue with the activity your child is feeling nervous about or not. This conversation should not happen right in the moment when you’re both feeling frustrated - but rather when you are both calm. This is a great opportunity to use Socratic Questioning, a CBT tool to help your child cope with anxiety by helping them come up with helpful information themselves instead of you making a plan for them. Here’s what this might look like: 🤔 What’s fun about skating? What's hard about it? 🤔 What else could we do to make learning to skate easier or more fun? (invite a friend, check out different parks) 🤔 Have there been other things you’ve tried that were hard at first, but later became fun with practice? 🤔 Do you know of other kids who enjoy skating? What was it like when they first started learning? These kinds of questions will guide your child toward helpful, factual information about this new activity, so that they can decide on their own whether it’s something they’d like to continue trying out. Importantly – this decision should be driven by their interest and goals - NOT anxiety-driven. Bonus Tip: Practice Self-Compassion During this process of supporting your child in trying new things – it’s normal to feel frustrated, and to doubt yourself about whether you’re doing the right thing. If you’ve validated your child’s feelings, encouraged them with words of confidence, and helped them find that next brave step – you’re doing great! Maintaining a growth mindset will help you AND your child get through these new situations that bring up big feelings. Your child is capable of getting better at trying new things, and you’re capable of helping them along the way! So treat yourself with the same kindness you extend to your child. Avoid criticizing yourself and instead take a moment for self-compassion. How would your sister, bestie, or your partner would respond to you in this situation if they heard you being mean to yourself? In addition to validating your child’s experiences - validate your own! Maybe that sounds like this: ➡️ “It’s frustrating to watch my child being so nervous and wanting to give up.” ➡️ “This feels hard because it is hard. I'm doing the best I can." ➡️ “Many kids are nervous to try new things. It is a normal part of parenting to deal with these challenges. And if problems persist, you don’t have to go at it alone! If your child is constantly avoiding new things despite your best efforts, consult with a professional to learn and practice science-backed strategies. Want to learn more about self-compassion as a parent? Check out my webinar here: TLDR: The 5 Steps To Help Your Child Try New Things If the new activities of summer bring up anxiety, frustration, and avoidance in your child, remember these steps: 1️⃣ Pay attention to your child’s feelings and validate them. If your child is nervous to go on a zip line for the first time, let them know heights are hard for lots of people, and it’s normal to feel a little nervous. 2️⃣ Use encouraging words and show your child that you have confidence in them. If your child is struggling with learning archery at camp, tell them how you believe in their ability to keep trying, and you're excited to see how their skills will improve with practice. 3️⃣ Model healthy breaks without letting your child completely avoid difficult things. If your child isn’t getting the hang of boogie boarding, invite them back to the shore for a break and a drink of water. Then, encourage them to try again once they're feeling refreshed. 4️⃣ Give yourself grace. If you’re watching your child refuse to jump in the water at swim lessons (again) and are about to lose your cool, take a break, practice deep breathing, and remind yourself that you’re doing your best to help your child through something difficult. 5️⃣ As you do all of these things, remember that it’s up to your child to put your advice into action – your job is to give them the tools they need; their job is to use them! Get Started with SPACE Therapy If you decide you'd like to start working with a psychologist with expertise in treating anxiety in children, here's what you can expect. In therapy, a CBT therapist will:
Dr. Eli Penela is a bilingual, licensed psychologist who specializes in the treatment of anxiety and OCD in children and adults. Dr. Penela has extensive training and expertise cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and exposure and response prevention (ERP) - treatment approaches that we know work well based on lots of research.
Dr. Penela also works with parents using SPACE therapy, an evidence-based approach working exclusively with parents to help children learn to cope with anxiety and OCD. She provides in-person therapy sessions from her office in South Florida, serving Broward, Miami-Dade and Palm Beach communities. She also provides therapy sessions via tele-health to children and adults in most states across the United States. Comments are closed.
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Dr. Penela proudly provides evidence-based therapy services in English and Spanish. In-person appointments available in South Florida: Weston, Pembroke Pines, Miramar, Cooper City, Boca Raton, Davie, Parkland, Hollywood, Fort Lauderdale, Plantation and surrounding areas.
Tele-health sessions available to individuals residing in all 43 PSYPACT participating states, including Florida.
Tele-health sessions available to individuals residing in all 43 PSYPACT participating states, including Florida.
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